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“You Were Way More Fun Before You Became Muslim”
Imagine that your soccer team won their final match of the season. Your teammates want to go out for drinks to celebrate. Before taking your shahada, you might’ve gone with them, but having accepted Islam, your decision is different.
After reverting, you’re bound to face changes in your relationships with friends and family. You might have to justify your choices but even then, not everyone will understand your perspective. Old “friends” might find you “boring” or misunderstand your decisions, “you haven’t been to any team celebrations in months! Are you avoiding us?!” People might make assumptions based on their negative impressions of Islam, and some reverts might even face outright rejection and exclusion. Nevertheless, rest assured that no matter how difficult it feels, the One who guided you to this path, will not leave you to navigate its challenges alone.
“The More I Say No, the More I Push My Friends Away”
You might worry that saying no to a friend’s invitation for drinks or a night-out pushes them away. Maybe you’re anxious that if you continue rejecting them they’d stop reaching out, then you’ll become isolated, and lose your social circle entirely.
I want to shift your thinking for a second. What if the friends you’re afraid to lose, by abiding to your Islamic values, are not the ones you want to have close anyways? Your friends can influence you significantly, so becoming distant with some might be a form of mercy from Allah, The Most Glorified, The Most High. Now that you’ve “lost” those who would’ve led you astray, you can connect with genuine people with whom you can cultivate a true sense of belonging and acceptance.
I also want to reassure you that Allah, The Almighty, will reward you for striving to please Him.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “you will not leave anything for the sake of Allah except that He will replace it with something better” [1].
If you lose friends because you refuse to displease Allah, The Almighty, He will introduce into your life righteous friends who will invite you to the masjid, remind you to pray, and bring you closer to Him.
“You’re Not the Son/Daughter I Raised”
The emotional struggles you face after reverting are, nevertheless, a challenge to navigate. It’s disheartening when your choices are met with disapproval, especially from the people you love. Your mother might take offence when you refuse to eat her food, a sibling might be upset that you rejected a concert ticket they offered, or a cousin might be disappointed that you missed their party.
Maybe, they don’t understand Islam, or they’re afraid because of stereotypes they’ve heard, or they simply disagree with you. Regardless, you’re at a crossroads. It’s upsetting when they react to your new habits with harshness and criticism, but, you’d feel immense dissonance if you compromise your beliefs for their approval. However, even for the most complex problems, clarity is key. The best way to handle this is through clear communication and boundaries.
Setting Boundaries with Family and Friends
Norms and expectations are typically established at the beginning of a relationship, so it might be surprising to family and friends when you express new boundaries. However, forgoing faith-related boundaries to gain their approval, allows them to impose their lifestyle onto you, leaving you emotionally drained and ironically, more lonely.
When you choose to set a boundary, approach the conversation with a calm, gentle, and non-defensive attitude. Everyone’s boundaries are different, but you can start with, “I understand that my faith is new to you, but I assure you I’m still the same person. My new faith will help me better fulfill my duties in our relationship.” If you’re comfortable, you could welcome their questions, with the condition that they are respectful.
With Kindness, Tolerance, and Patience
By following the Prophet’s example (peace be upon him), to the best of your ability as a flawed human, you can portray a similar merciful and tolerant attitude that would make your loved ones more inclined to respect your wishes.
In a hadith [2], Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) described a situation where a group of non-believers cursed the Prophet (peace be upon him). When she cursed them back in his defense, he said “O Aisha, Allah is gentle and He loves gentleness in all matters.”
This hadith teaches us to avoid harshness even with wrongdoers, so imagine all the reward you’d gain by handling disapproving family and friends with patience and kindness.
Your kind approach with family who reject and criticize you might actually open their hearts to Islam. Slowly, they’ll begin to appreciate your kindness in the face of their judgment. They might then realize that Islam is behind the positive changes in your character, which would ultimately, help to reframe their views on Islam.
Anticipate the Reward
I know it’s hard to put in effort and not see change, so I want to remind you of three things. First, you cannot change people unless they want to change and Allah wills it. Try not to obsess over controlling the outcomes of your actions. It’s not a formula — if you did X, Y and Z, then acceptance from your parents is guaranteed. People’s hearts are in the hands of The Most Merciful and He is the only One who can change them.
Second, your journey to Islam is a test and therefore an opportunity for reward. Your patience with those who are cruel and harsh will not go unnoticed. Your feelings of loneliness as you transition between two worlds, will not go unnoticed. Your emotional turmoil as you navigate family issues will not go unnoticed. Allah is The All-Seeing, All-Knowing, and Most Merciful, so whenever you’re spiralling with sadness, remember that you are always under His mercy.
Lastly, know that hardships have a purpose. Unlike those who believe suffering is meaningless, we know, with utmost certainty, that Allah, The Almighty, tests us to purify us of sins, elevate our ranks, and instill in us an unwavering trust in Him and boundless acceptance of His decree.
Throughout your journey, I encourage you to anticipate His generous rewards in this life and the next.
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